Manipulation and Healthy Communication

Clinical Psychologist Dilruba SÖNMEZ

Manipulation and Healthy Communication

Communication can be defined as the mutual transfer of processes such as emotions, thoughts, knowledge, and experience to other people and groups. It is considered to be one of the most important needs of people, and the results experienced in this field can have negative consequences for the individual directly or indirectly, both mentally and physically. According to Maslow's (1943) 'Hierarchy of Needs', one of the steps towards self-actualization is our relationships with other people under the heading of love/belonging, that is, our relationships/communication in social life is a need for us.

Manipulation is one of the unhealthy ways of communication that can be defined as influencing, managing, and directing the other person. Emotional manipulation called 'Gaslighting', which we often see in social media, is frequently encountered in bilateral communication. Emotional manipulation can be defined as the use of devious ways to exploit, control, or otherwise influence others for their benefit.

Examples of the most common methods of emotional manipulation include the following:

• Counter Attack: "You don't remember anything properly anyway"
• Acting the fool: "I don't know what you're talking about right now"
• Trivialization: "You exaggerate too much"
• Denial: "No, I did not say/do such a thing, you are making it up"
• Referral: "Again, silly ideas that come after talking to your friends. These things are driving a wedge between us."
• Prejudice:" Women are already too emotional, that's why you do this"- "Men are always aggressive, that's why you get angry with me"

Also the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse, which Gottman (2018) presents as the red flags of communication:

Defensiveness,

Criticism

Contempt and Stonewalling communication styles can also be considered as examples of unhealthy communication and some manipulation methods.

In some studies, high levels of emotional intelligence, social information processing, indirect aggression, and self-serving cognitive distortions in men;

in women, being younger, high levels of emotional intelligence, indirect aggression, primary psychopathic traits, and low levels of social awareness are shown as determinants of manipulative individuals (Grieve & Penabianco, 2012).

So, how can we establish healthy communication?

1- Establish healthy boundaries: Research shows that when people gain awareness of their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, both setting their boundaries and having others respect these boundaries increases well-being, improves autonomy, and leads to healthier and higher quality relationships.

2- Using "I" language, not "you" language. It is healthy to use "I language" when expressing our feelings and thoughts rather than an expression that criticizes or accuses the other person.

is another important way of communicating.

3- Being able to recognize when manipulation is not normal: most people sometimes make comments that are manipulative, such as the examples above.

Manipulation is more problematic and can even be abusive when it is part of a systematic attempt to control or harm another person.

At this point, it is important to strike a balance and be mindful of both your own and the other person's boundaries.

4- Evaluate yourself. When you encounter a situation in communication, you can ask yourself the following:

- What happened?

- What am I thinking?

- What do I feel?

- What am I doing?

Then, it can be useful to discover the functional or dysfunctional patterns here and work on them.

5- Being able to say "no" when necessary. Although this issue has been abused recently, the important thing here is not to say "no" to every situation, but to be able to say "no" when you realize that your limits have been exceeded, you are exhausted or you are negatively affected mentally.

A conciliatory role is important in healthy communication. It may be important to follow the mutual patterns well and take steps accordingly.