Clinical Psychologist İclal Eskioğlu Aydın
Where is the Problem in My Life?
Problems arise in our lives, sometimes in a big way and sometimes in a small way. But in general, the common characteristic of problems is that over time they become the center of our lives, expanding the space they occupy and pushing us to the sidelines. So to speak, it is as if we were the lead actor in a movie, but over time we may find ourselves seeing other lead actors (problems) playing in the movie of our lives, and we may feel that we are pushed into a position where we look at our own life from the audience seat.
When clients come to therapy, they may use some expressions that signal that they are in a situation where problems are at the center of their lives and they feel that they are in the audience seat. In other words, people may make definitions in which they see themselves as consisting of the problem. For example, they may define themselves and their identity with a problem, such as "I am an angry person"; "I am overly emotional"; "I have an anxious nature"; or "I am depressed".
These are definitions made in the shadow of the problems experienced. However, human life is made up of many stories, memories, and definitions that are different and sometimes even contradictory. For example, let's think: When we recall some of our memories, we conclude what an unhappy person we were; when we recall others, we conclude what a cheerful, lively, energetic person we were.
So it is not possible to define a person from a single mold, a single story, or a single perspective. So why do we sometimes express ourselves with only one description? This is a consequence of looking at the movie through the lens of past problems. That is to say, we experience difficulties so intensely that we have no strength, no power, and no energy to step out of the atmosphere dominated by them. And our memories, stories, and definitions of ourselves, which are outside of the problems, become faded and forgotten over time. In these faded stories, the antidote to the problem is hidden. For example, going beyond the idea that anxiety dominates our lives, remembering the moments when we were able to dominate anxiety, and realizing that we had these moments, makes it possible to find out what made it possible not to succumb to anxiety in those moments. For example, a skill or a piece of knowledge that we used to not succumb to anxiety may have worked. Thinking about using that skill or knowledge again against the anxiety that's prevailing right now might be what helps us cope with anxiety.
Imagine looking at a painting from a distance of one step and focusing on a line in the painting. When we talk about that painting, that line is all we talk about. Now let's take a few steps back and look at the painting again. When we look at the whole painting, we see that the line is not in the center of the painting, but only in a part of it, among the houses, mountains, rivers, and trees. Our perspective, our distance from what we experience, determines the meaning we give to it. When we see the problem in the center, it is more difficult to deal with it, but when we realize that it is part of our lives, we can see that the power of the problem diminishes and our power to overcome the problem increases with the emergence of the parts outside the problem.
So, when we ask ourselves these questions, I think the answers may be different. Where do you see the problem in your life? And when you take a few steps back and look at your life again, does it still appear in the same place?
Therapy can be a good opportunity to invite all these stories back into your life. Dealing with all the stories of a person, such as angry and calm, unhappy and happy, anxious and cool, timid and sociable, etc. together allows us to get to know the person in a wider range of ways. In addition, therapy is a process of discovering not only the problem in a person's life but also the ways of coping with that problem. Every person has equipment, knowledge, ways of coping, skills, and values to deal with the problems in their lives. In the process of discovering these together with the client and the therapist, it becomes possible for the person to regain the leading role in his/her life movie occupied by problems.