Put Your Oxygen Mask on First: Getting to Know Yourself as a Parent
When your child is crying, getting angry, or refusing to listen — what is going on inside you? Some moments catch you off guard in ways you did not expect. You might notice yourself reacting to that small person with a force that feels out of proportion. Afterwards, the guilt sets in: why did I respond like that? Asking that question is, in itself, an important beginning.
When we talk about parenting, we tend to focus on how to approach the child — which strategies work, what to say and when. But neuroscience points us somewhere else first: if you want to shape your child's brain, you need to start by looking at your own.
The Child's Brain Is a Mirror of the Parent's
As children grow, their brains gradually mirror their parents' brains. This is not a metaphor — it is a neurobiological reality. The more emotionally aware and healthy a parent is, the more their child benefits from it. Conversely, a parent's unprocessed emotions and unexamined patterns are passed on to the child — most of the time without anyone realising it.
This is not an accusation. It is an invitation. Because it means that every effort you make to understand yourself is a direct investment in your child. One of the most valuable things you can give your child may simply be the willingness to work on your own inner world. We often pour ourselves into making sure our child is okay, yet wonder why nothing seems to shift. If you have been neglecting your own needs, your own care — start there.
Looking at Your Own Story
Research tells us something striking: what most determines the quality of our relationship with our children is not what happened to us in our own childhoods, nor how badly we were treated — it is how much meaning we have been able to make of those experiences.
Having had a difficult childhood does not automatically make you a difficult parent. What matters is whether you have taken the time to reflect on those experiences. An unexamined life story does not only limit us in the present; it can lead us to parent reactively, and to pass on — without ever intending to — the pain that came from our own early years.
For example, a parent who was not emotionally seen as a child may instinctively try to shut down their own child's crying or anger — because those emotions once felt unsafe. Or someone who grew up under very rigid rules may be flooded with guilt every time they need to set a limit. These are not responses born of bad intentions. They come from experiences that have not yet been processed.
Making meaning of your own story does not mean blaming your parents, or becoming angry and cutting contact. It means understanding how your mother or father shaped you, recognising which situations trigger you and why — and in doing so, significantly reducing the risk of passing that pain on to your own child.
Right Brain or Left Brain — Which Tends to Take Over?
Think about your own parenting style. When your child is struggling, how do you tend to respond?
Some parents live with a great deal of emotional intensity. Their child's distress immediately becomes their own; anxiety rises quickly; sometimes their own fears and their child's fears become difficult to separate. The right brain dominates — emotions flow fast, but finding a way through becomes harder.
Other parents tend toward emotional distance. "Don't cry, it's nothing" comes naturally; the child's feelings are moved past quickly. The left brain is dominant — logic and problem-solving take the lead, but genuine connection is harder to find.
Both are understandable human patterns. But both also nudge the child toward one bank of the river or the other. The goal is neither to drown in the emotional current nor to live in an emotional desert. It is to recognise both sides — and learn to stay in the middle.
When You Are the One Who's Overwhelmed
There is something every parent knows but rarely says out loud: there are moments when you say or do things to your child that you would never allow anyone else to say or do. Patience runs out. Your voice rises. And then the regret comes.
These moments are not failures. From a neuroscience perspective, they are actually doorways to growth and integration. What matters is what you do in the moment — and how you repair the relationship afterwards.
When you feel yourself overwhelmed, the steps are surprisingly concrete. The first is simply to do no harm: clench your jaw if you need to, clasp your hands, say nothing. The second is to briefly remove yourself from the situation — not to abandon your child, but to create the space to get yourself back. Saying "I need a moment to breathe, I'll be right back"both models self-regulation for your child and ensures they do not feel rejected. Physical movement is also a powerful tool; a shift in our physical state genuinely shifts our emotional one. Odd as it may feel in the moment, jumping on the spot or doing a few stretches can actually help.
And then — perhaps most importantly of all — once you have settled, repair the connection as quickly as you can. If you got something wrong, saying sorry matters. A hug and a conversation matter. Repair within a relationship teaches far more than the rupture ever could. For both child and parent.
Awareness: Learning to Name What You Feel
Being able to recognise and name your own emotions is a protective factor for both your mental health and your child's. When a feeling is noticed and named, its intensity in the brain begins to ease. Saying "I'm really angry right now" is something quite different from being lost inside the anger.
It also helps to remember that emotional clouds pass. Anger, exhaustion, helplessness — these are states, not permanent features of who you are. Being able to offer yourself the same compassion you show your child is one of the foundations of a sustainable parenting journey.
If you want to know your child, start by knowing yourself. If you want to make room for your child's emotions, start by making room for your own. If you want your child to stay in the middle of the river, first look at where you are standing.
Parenting is not about being perfect. It is about being on the path.
Written by: Psychologist Tuğana Gültekin
References
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. Delacorte Press.