Parental Burnout - 1
Being a parent is one of the most basic and transformative roles in human life.
The birth of a child gives great meaning to parents.
For some people, being a parent makes their existence deeper and strengthens the feeling of living for a purpose every day.
For some, it becomes a source of social respect and gives them an identity accepted by society, independent of their job, gender, or age.
For others, it offers the chance to experience the purest, most unconditional, and most selfless love in life.
Alongside all these beauties, parenting also brings with it a serious load of stress and responsibility.
In this article, I will refer to a very beautiful book that deals with this topic: Parental Burnout.
This book tells the reader that parenting has not only beauties but also difficulties, and it aims to help us understand these difficulties and show ways to cope with them.
Both authors are mothers and psychology professors at a university.
They wrote this book based on their research with more than 8,000 parents, and in the book they address all mothers and fathers who feel exhausted:
“You are not alone, burnout can be prevented, and it is possible to come out of this situation.”
Being a Parent in the 21st Century
The meaning given to parenting has changed throughout history.
In the 1940s, parenthood was not such a big issue on society’s agenda.
Childcare was seen as a natural part of daily life; it was not thought about or discussed at length.
Raising a child was also difficult back then, but society’s expectations of parents were not as high as today.
From the 1980s onward, a new period began.
Books, seminars, and articles about parenting increased.
Questions such as “How should you treat your child, what should you do, what should you avoid?” came to the agenda.
Over time, parenting stopped being a natural process and turned into a “job” that is constantly talked about, measured, and evaluated.
Today, almost every mother and father is looking for ways to be a “good parent.”
We try to be perfect mothers or fathers, and for this we watch videos and read books.
We constantly think about how we can make our children happy and how we can provide the best environment for them.
If you pay attention, at this point we see that parents are not talking about their own happiness but about their children’s happiness.
Because in the eyes of society, what matters is not the parent, but how happy the child is.
The parent is left in the background.
On social media, we constantly see people who look like wonderful mothers/fathers or who tell you how you should treat your child.
In commercials, we see parents with shining smiles on their faces even while changing their babies’ diapers.
We may find ourselves asking: “Can children who never cause problems and always listen really exist, or how can this mom/dad look so energetic while I have no strength left?”
The responsibilities of 21st century parents regarding their children are bigger than ever in history.
Along with this huge responsibility, today’s parents are evaluated more than ever, constantly observed and judged by others.
That is why they keep asking themselves the same question: “Am I being a good parent?”
The Invisible Burdens of Parenting
Parenting is often presented in the media with cheerful moments, laughter, and perfect family pictures.
But real life is different.
Being a parent is a full-time job with no holidays.
While people get bored and tired even of work life that comes with vacations, because of what we see in the media we may believe parenting is only a positive and joyful job.
Parenting has a high cost; it requires large resources both financially and emotionally.
Of course, parenting has many beauties, but like in every area, it does not consist only of beauties—there are also difficulties alongside them.
Some parents try to heal the wounds left from their own childhood experiences, wanting to give their children the love and attention they never received from their own parents.
They try hard to be the “supermom” or “superdad” they themselves did not have.
Some parents feel the pressure of social expectations and try to reach the “perfect parent” image imposed by society.
But there is no such thing as a “super parent.”
What is super for one of your children may be worthless for another.
Every child has different needs, and a single parenting model may fail to meet the real needs of the child.
Moreover, sometimes overly perfectionist parenting can also become toxic for the child.
The child grows and develops by also seeing the parent’s flaws and shortcomings.
For example, a parent who tries to meet every need of their baby from birth cannot keep up with everything as the baby grows.
They do not breastfeed every time the baby cries, or run to pick the child up every time they fall.
These small moments may look like disappointments to the child, but they are actually moments that build the child’s coping capacity, because the child starts to prepare for handling different stresses in life through these small experiences.
Parenting and Identity Confusion
Being a parent is not only taking care of children but also a process that changes our world of identity.
The birth of a child gives the individual a new identity in society: the identity of “mother” or “father.”
This identity often offers a valuable and respected position, but for some parents, after a while it can turn into a suffocating limitation.
Some mothers and fathers say, “Now I am only a mom/dad, I have no other identity left,” and they talk about a feeling of inner emptiness.
This is an important sign of burnout.
Because while parenting brings happiness and joy, ignoring one’s personal identity and needs over time can cause a loss of satisfaction and feelings of weariness.
Parents, while trying to give their children the best life, may sacrifice themselves and drift away from their own self.
In English, the concept of “burnout” is mostly used in work life.
A person may show symptoms in physical, emotional, or mental areas.
In people experiencing burnout, a drop in performance and negative attitudes towards themselves or others can be observed.
The cause of burnout is said to be stress caused by excessive and long-term pressure and workload.
In this book, however, we look at this concept from a different angle: parental burnout syndrome.
Why Does Burnout Syndrome Happen?
There are several main reasons why parenting has become more challenging in the modern world:
Parenting carries both happiness and difficulties.
On the one hand, our children make our lives happier, more meaningful, and full of love; on the other hand, they also add new burdens and sources of stress.
Burnout syndrome often describes a process that develops slowly under the pressure of unreachable ideals and unrealistic expectations.
That is why the first step is to accept that parenting will not always be a perfect experience.
As the famous psychoanalyst Winnicott defined, we should focus on being a “good enough” parent.
Being a good parent does not mean being perfect.
On the contrary, it means noticing our limits and shortcomings, and taking into account the conditions we are in.
Living parenting in harmony with our life values is the most important protective factor for the mental health of both us and our children.
In the second chapter, we will take a closer look at the cycle of burnout.
We will talk about the risk factors that speed up falling into burnout syndrome and how this process can become pathological.
Written by: Psychologist Tuğana GÜLTEKİN