Parental Burnout 2
The Cycle and Risk Factors
Many mothers and fathers define parenting as the most valuable role of their lives.
But sometimes this role can turn into a burden that goes beyond our personal resources.
As emphasized in the book Parental Burnout, burnout syndrome is not something that appears suddenly.
It is a silent and slow process.
The parent ignores their limited resources (energy, time, health…) and aims for “perfection.”
This unreachable goal results in the exhaustion of the parent’s limited resources.
This situation can be compared to a rocket in the sky that runs out of fuel and crashes to the ground.
The rocket takes off at full speed, the first moments are very exciting, but shortly after it quickly crashes down.
The Cycle of Burnout: From Unreachable Ideals to Feelings of Helplessness
At the root of parental burnout, there are often unreachable ideals.
On social media, in advertisements, or through messages from others, the image of the “perfect parent” is constantly recreated.
While parents try to give their children the best of everything, at the same time they feel inadequate because they cannot reach these ideals.
At this point, a vicious cycle begins:
High expectations → A constant desire to do more.
Overinvestment → A rapid exhaustion of physical and emotional resources.
Helplessness and disappointment → The feeling of “Whatever I do, it is not enough.”
Loss of satisfaction and alienation → The bond with the child weakens, parenting becomes a burden.
When this cycle is not noticed, it can be hard to get out of it.
The Four Dimensions of Burnout
Research shows that parental burnout appears in four main dimensions:
Physical and emotional exhaustion
Problems in this area are usually noticed first.
The parent feels burned out, as if they are ashes.
They have no energy left and struggle to continue daily tasks.
They may look joyless, tired, and unhappy.
Emotional distancing from children
In this case, the parent cannot pay as much attention to what the child says as before and cannot find the motivation to join in games.
They may become more indifferent to the child’s needs.
The key point here is that it is different than before.
We cannot speak of burnout for a parent who was uninterested from the very beginning.
Loss of fulfillment
Parenting no longer feels like a source of happiness but like a heavy burden.
The thought “I am tired of being a mom/dad, I want to be myself again” is often expressed.
Identity changes
The parent notices the gap between the “me of the past” and the current “mother/father identity.”
It feels as if their personal identity has been erased and they are stuck only in the parent role.
The combination of these dimensions shows that the parent is burned out.
Not every burned-out parent has all of these dimensions or experiences them in this order.
The Stages of Burnout
The book explains that burnout usually goes through five stages:
The desire for ideal parenting → The wish to be a “super mom/dad.”
Overinvestment → Giving time, energy, and financial resources to parenting without limits.
Self-sacrifice → Ignoring one’s own needs and focusing only on the children (even neglecting basic needs like eating and drinking).
Frustration → Feeling that efforts are in vain, believing that one is not valued.
Energy loss and weariness → Impatience, touchiness, outbursts of anger, or withdrawal.
These stages move at different speeds for each parent, but the common point is this: burnout is the natural result of “overloading.”
Risk Factors: Who Is More at Risk?
Every parent can experience burnout, but some risk factors can speed up this process.
Socio-demographic risks
Becoming a parent at an early age (in adolescence) or at an advanced age (45-50).
Having more than one small child.
Having low income.
Being unemployed or isolated from social relationships.
The characteristics of the neighborhood you live in.
Situational risks
Traumatic events such as illness, death, or job loss.
Children with difficult temperaments or special needs.
Personal risks
Lack of emotional skills: difficulty in recognizing, understanding, and expressing one’s own emotions and the emotions of others.
Perfectionism: always wanting more, never finding what is done enough.
Personality traits: emotionally unstable parents are more easily shaken by stress.
Educational risks
Inconsistency: threatening the child with punishment but then giving up.
Authoritarianism: trying to maintain discipline with harsh punishments.
Escalation: entering into a power struggle with the child.
These educational risks weaken the parent’s authority and damage the child’s trust in the parent.
Family risks
Conflicts and disagreements in the couple’s relationship.
Mismatch in co-parenting: unclear division of duties between partners, constant criticism and blame.
Arguing in front of children, forming coalitions, and parental alienation.
The Consequences of Burnout
Burnout does not only affect the parent but also deeply affects the family.
Research shows that in burned-out parents, the risk of neglect and violence towards children is 10 times higher.
In addition to this:
Children’s emotional needs are overlooked.
The couple’s relationship suffers, with more outbursts of anger and distancing between partners.
Addictions in parents may be triggered or worsened.
Chronic stress weakens immunity and damages physical health.
If burnout is not noticed in time, it can shake not only the parent but the entire family system.
Burnout syndrome arises from the tension between the parent’s effort to be a “perfect parent” and the limitations of real life.
Risk factors vary from person to person, but the common point is this: if we set an unrealistic goal for our parenting and our resources fall short, parenting inevitably becomes a heavy burden.
Understanding burnout is not only an individual but also a social responsibility, because the well-being of the parent is related not only to their own happiness but also to the happiness of their children, partner, and close ones.
In this and the previous article, we talked about the difficult sides of parenting.
In the 3rd and final part, we will talk about the ways out of burnout: developing emotional skills, strengthening the couple’s relationship, the importance of setting limits for the child, and value-based parenting strategies…
Written by: Psychologist Tuğana GÜLTEKİN