Psychological Resilience: Growing While Feeling Constrained, Transforming While Struggling
Is there anyone who has never experienced hardship in their life? Why do we experience difficulties? What would a world without hardship look like? Would we truly be happier?
We all have different stories. Some of us have faced a major loss in the past year; some of us encountered an unexpected trial when we least expected it. Yet from these unique individual experiences emerges a shared truth: We struggled, sometimes we collapsed, sometimes we didn’t want to get back up and continue; sometimes we prayed, sometimes we received support, and somehow, we “recovered” again.
When people think of psychological resilience, many imagine a figure who never wavers, never cries, and is always strong. However, both modern psychology and our spiritual tradition highlight a very fundamental truth:
Resilience is not about never falling; it is the capacity to rise again after you fall.
This capacity is not inborn or fixed. Resilience is a skill that can be learned, developed, and reshaped throughout life. It is like a muscle—growing stronger with use and weakening when neglected.
The Lobster Metaphor: Pressure and Growth
When I think about psychological resilience, I am always reminded of the story describing how lobsters grow.
Lobsters have a hard outer shell that does not grow. As the lobster’s soft and sensitive body expands, the shell becomes too tight. The pressure the lobster feels increases; it becomes squeezed and uncomfortable. In these moments, the lobster withdraws to a safe place, sheds its shell, and leaves itself exposed and vulnerable for a period of time. This is the phase in which it is most fragile. Afterwards, its soft body grows and forms a new shell—one that is both larger and stronger. This process repeats many times throughout its life.
So what would happen if lobsters had a doctor or a psychologist? Would they still be able to grow?
Most likely, when the lobster felt its shell tightening and felt vulnerable, it would go to its doctor, who would give it a painkiller or a calming medication to ease the discomfort. In other words, the pressure would be reduced—as if this experience were unnatural, pathological, as if “the lobster could not get through it on its own.”
If the lobster received this kind of support at every moment of difficulty, perhaps it would still grow, but during each molting phase it would probably become more tense, more fearful, and start believing that it could not cope with this process on its own.
The most valuable lesson we should take from this story is this:
The first step of growth is sometimes the narrowing of the comfort zone, the increase in pressure, and allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable for a short while.
It means staying with difficult emotions rather than running away from them.
The goal is not to eliminate pain entirely; it is to understand what the pain is teaching us, to make meaning out of it, and to continue into the future with a stronger shell.
So What Is Psychological Resilience Based On?
The core psychological mechanisms that strengthen resilience can be summarized as follows:
1. Emotion Regulation
Emotion regulation is not about suppressing emotions but noticing and naming them:
“I am angry.”
“I am hurt.”
“I am anxious.”
“I feel overwhelmed.”
Emotions are not “bad” on their own; labeling them as good or bad can be misleading. Every emotion carries information. What becomes problematic is not the emotion itself but acting impulsively based on it—engaging in behaviors that harm ourselves or others.
2. Cognitive Flexibility
Cognitive flexibility is the ability of the mind not to become stuck in a single catastrophic scenario.
Instead of saying, “This situation is completely terrible, I’m finished,”
being able to say, “This is difficult, but there may be many possible ways through it.”
According to cognitive-behavioral therapy, it is not events themselves that determine our experience, but how we interpret those events.
3. Meaning and Purpose
What keeps people going is often not external conditions but meaning.
Seeing losses, trials, and hardships as opportunities for transformation strengthens resilience.
Asking “What is this event trying to teach me?” helps us reconstruct meaning.
4. Social Support
One of the strongest predictors of resilience is the feeling that “someone is by my side.”
Friendships that nourish us—and in which we also nourish others—make a significant contribution to psychological resilience.
5. Self-Concept and Self-Compassion
“I am valuable, I am doing my best, I am trying.”
Showing compassion toward oneself—approaching oneself the way one would approach a dear friend—is the invisible engine of resilience.
An Example of Islamic Resilience
In our tradition, resilience is not only a psychological skill but also a spiritual depth.
When the Prophet (ﷺ) lost his son Ibrahim, he cried and said:
“The eye weeps, the heart grieves, but the tongue only says what is pleasing to our Lord.”
This statement is one of the strongest examples of resilience—it does not suppress emotion, it names the emotion, yet it preserves the meaning of the experience even while standing in the midst of difficult feelings.
A Identity Exercise to Strengthen the Core of Resilience
The “identity circle” exercise used in trainings can also be practiced individually, and it is a powerful way to reflect on one’s own resilience.
Draw three concentric circles on a piece of paper and answer the following questions in each circle:
Inner Circle:
Who am I in the eyes of God?
What kind of servant do I want to be?
Which values do I want to live by?
Middle Circle:
What roles do I have?
(mother, student, employee, neighbor, cousin…)
Outer Circle:
What pressures are tiring me?
(health issues, financial difficulties, social media, worries…)
The pressures in the outermost circle are the ones that challenge us and test our psychological resilience.
The roles in the middle circle are meaningful but can change over time:
Someone who is a spouse may divorce; someone who is a mother may experience loss; someone who is an employee may retire.
The inner circle, however, is the unchanging core—
the source that strengthens us in times of difficulty and increases our capacity to rise when we fall.
Sometimes We Need Constriction to Grow a New Shell
Sometimes we may feel squeezed, as if doors are closing, the path ahead is foggy, and it becomes difficult to see clearly. In such moments, remembering the lobster metaphor—and reminding ourselves that these periods of constriction may be preparing us for new growth—can help us navigate challenging times.
Psychological resilience is not “never struggling.”
It is not breaking when challenged, gathering oneself after breaking,
and continuing the journey with a stronger shell each time.
Written By: Clinical Psychologist Tuğana Gültekin