Understanding and Being Understood: Mentalization
We all, from time to time, feel misunderstood. There have been moments when we thought our words were misinterpreted, our intentions were not seen, or the other person did not truly “hear” us. At other times, when we reflect back, we realize that we may not have understood others sufficiently—that we overlooked the emotions and thoughts underlying their behaviors. These deeply human experiences are closely related to the concept known in psychology as mentalization.
Mentalization, in its simplest form, is the ability to recognize and make sense of both one’s own and others’ thoughts, feelings, beliefs, intentions, and expectations. In other words, it involves not only asking “what happened?” but also making room for questions like “what did I feel?”, “what might the other person have felt?”, and “why did they act this way?” This capacity is one of the fundamental building blocks of human relationships.
As mentalization develops, it becomes easier to empathize, build trust, handle conflicts in healthier ways, and maintain emotional closeness in relationships. This is because people often respond not merely to behaviors, but to the meanings underlying those behaviors. Being able to perceive these meanings requires taking mental processes into account.
Mentalization also involves the ability to adopt different perspectives. It is important not only to recognize our own role in a situation, but also to consider the other person’s role, circumstances, and limitations. For example, when a parent keeps in mind that their child has a “child’s mind” while communicating; when a spouse considers their partner’s current emotional burden and needs; or when a friend acknowledges that the other person may have thoughts and feelings different from their own, relationships can proceed on a more flexible and healthy ground.
A study conducted by Wu and colleagues in 2020 conceptualizes mentalization in the context of social relationships through four main components. This framework can serve as a useful guide for understanding and regulating our relationships:
Paying attention to these four components can enhance sensitivity, harmony, and mutual understanding in relationships. Of course, this is not always easy; especially in moments when intense emotions, conflicts, or past experiences are triggered, the capacity to mentalize may weaken. Psychotherapy aims precisely to support individuals in recognizing, strengthening, and applying their mentalization capacity, helping them build more secure relationships.
Understanding and being understood is not a luxury, but a fundamental human need. Mentalization, in turn, is a crucial skill on the path toward meeting this need—one that can be developed, worked on, and can foster meaningful transformation.
References
Wu, H., Liu, X., Hagan, C. C., & Mobbs, D. (2020). Mentalizing during social InterAction: A four component model. Cortex; a journal devoted to the study of the nervous system and behavior, 126, 242–252. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cortex.2019.12.031
Written By: Klinik Psikolog Ali Şahin